It’s been a long while. Guilty for loosing site of my internal author I’m afraid. Silenced for a while by life events, work and everything else in between. Whole heartedly I find myself in need of my fix and the block I have suffered has been lifted.
Today I find myself typing away once more after the life affirming event of my little brother’s wedding a week and a half ago. Bride and Groom are entirely happy with all the proceedings. It was undoubtedly a beautiful day. I was proud to be a part of the union. The entire outfit celebrated for those who couldn’t be there and of course, for the happy kids tying the knot. I hope happiness finds you both together, wherever you lead.
Since my little brother got married, my best friend announced her engagement on Halloween. Congratulations again D and Hubby to be. I genuinely couldn’t be happier for you both, and most definitely can not wait to celebrate when I visit in just over a weeks time. It’s all celebrations round here. I mean there certainly is something in the water, another engagement announced just a couple of days ago. A friend from the past, a smile that evokes emotions in the form of both a smile and a question. Congratulations to you too. I truly hope you have everything you want in life, I only know a pinch of the story, but dear friend, I know you deserve it more than most.
I won’t ever pretend to be desperately wanting to follow in my friend’s celebratory reasons quickly, but the recent surge in such occasions makes me question if I would ever be someone’s choice. I’ve dated a few people since my leaving uni, most of them now getting hitched or having children. Don’t misunderstand me, as I am with someone who I consider to be rather special. Though my recent discovery of his porn collection is questionable, I really didn’t know he had an actual thing for redheads; and I quote, ‘there’s only one redhead for me sweetheart’ which I now know relates to one of his suicide girl redheads. Special? Don’t I feel it. And no, before you even dream of thinking it, there was no snooping involved. The folder boldly presented it’s self on the start up button, might as well have been entitled ‘PORNO’.
I know this is an inner war I must over come. I’m sure that most women my age are probably in a very similar situation to what I find myself in. I must make it clear that the emotion I feel is not jealousy. It is not and never will be the green eyed monster. It’s purely the thought of never being someone’s first choice. Never being good enough. The thought of perhaps being too intimidating, too imperfect, too bossy, too strong willed, too opinionated, argumentative, fat, quietly spoken or just not enough. The list could be continued. I’ve convinced myself that this is how all women my age feel when mostly all their friends are married, engaged or having/had children. I’m still sat here with my menagerie of cats and dog, and the man asleep on the sofa that’s in lust with a different redhead. At least there is honesty in writing, truth in words and more importantly the ability to explain an unexplainable situation when you’re the woman who likes wedding but isn’t all that convinced on the institute of marriage.
You will find no bitterness here, only well wishes and congratulations for those celebrating. This was never a sympathy vote, it was only a vent. Only away to get it out there. Writing, after all is therapy.
Celebrate and be happy,