Last night I had a very daft (and somewhat honest) conversation with man. It started out with me having a hot flush in this random early September heat wave we are currently in. I had borrowed his lounge pants, which are far too big. They are made from brushed cotton so didn’t exactly help with the heat. I was trying to clean up the kitchen from dinner before heading for bed and had to strip down to my knickers to be able to complete the task at hand. This lead to a manic moment where I decide that I could find any clothes to sleep in while listening to the beauty and the beast sound track (yes, singing along). Eventually, after pacing and wondering and somehow managing to find my shorts to sleep in we continued to talk nonsense for a little while with the window wide open.
In part of this conversation the topic drifted (I can’t keep my thought in a straight line when an episode is going on) we got on to me being a secrete ninja or something. This in turn lead to the sentence (and I have no idea how) “like when you are convinced that someone is always watching you or listening in to your conversations”. Now man at this time thought I was continuing the silly, he thought I was playing. Until that very moment when that statement escaped passed my lips I had no idea that this wasn’t normal.
At the time I laughed it off. This has danced on my faltering mind all day, so much so I have a stupid pressure headache. The worse part of this is I have been so convinced of this for as long as I can remember and I know it is literally nonsense. For a logical person this is a very illogical thought process. I’m conscious of my mentality and have been for a very long time. It is manageable for most parts, but some days I am full on crazy.
The mania has been bad recently. Bad enough for even me to consider a trip to the Docs. I hate the place, but genuinely worried that this is the start of something more than Bipolar. I’m hoping that it’s just a pinch of manic getting to me, but who knows. It’s bad enough I think my car might be bugged- and I talk to myself a hell of a lot in the car (which I thought was normal too, now I’m not too sure). It’s not like I feel threatened by this constant listening in or watching, I’m just conscious of it all the time. This is classed as delusional.
Today marks the first day I’ve blogged about this as a current issue. Normally it takes a while to open up about it. I don’t really know what is different. Potentially still manic, in fact I’m pretty sure I am. My concentration is crap.
Now all I can think about is the night before last. I put on lipstick before I went to bed. I was testing it out. I couldn’t get it off, so slept in the prettiest, brightest red lipstick ever. It was the most glamorous I’ve been for bed. Ever.