Sometimes

Sometimes it’s difficult to get out of bed. Your entire body aches, and it’s not like you’ve done anything strenuous. It just hurts so bad like you’ve done ten rounds with Tyson. Even though you’ve slept more than normal, your body is tired and your head throbs as if you’ve done 3 all-nighters in a row and drank coffee to compensate.

I am tired of being tired. I’m tired of being caught up in random family drama that has nothing to do with me. I can’t fix it for them, I’ve tried so many times and they end up back where they started. I’m removing myself but then I feel utterly crap because I can’t fix it for them. I can’t fix it for the ones I love. They don’t see what they’re doing. They don’t see the stress they caused. The melt down that’s induced because they can’t effectively communicate and I’m trapped in the middle as a mediator who they come to to vent their anger and issues but they don’t take my advice. Its a vicious cycle. And it replays all the time. I don’t see why we can’t talk about it like adults, because while the adults are being children, the kids are the ones to suffer.

I’m sick with the thought that my work life hangs in the balance. I hate the fact I haven’t been kept in the loop while I’ve been away. Its making me ill sitting here thinking about it all. I’ve already been told my job no longer exists. Just waiting because the next move isn’t mine. Contemplating how I will need to respond to any possible outcome because my brain won’t shut down and let me rest. I have played out every possible scenario over and over again. Because my brain won’t let me not prepare. It over compensates and plays out everything continuously. Its tiring. Its draining beyond what I can describe. There is an anxious knot at the top of my chest, the type you can’t swallow down. It won’t go away. Not until it’s resolved. Its taken since Delilah was born to actually get on the phone with someone that’s 6 months. I know everything has changed and people get busy, but I’m feeling royally shafted for so many reasons.

I find comfort in writing this down, but on the other hand I’m worrying that it’s the wrong thing to do and will cause more trouble. But here it is. Nothing but honest.

I know this will pass and my mind will settle, my body won’t always ache they way it does this week. If I can impact even one person to be kinder than usual, to forgive someone for the little things and be gentle with others because you really have no idea what battle someone if fighting behind their smile. Be kind enough and have the courage to speak to one another. If its important to you, have the face to discuss you’re issues with whoever you have the issues with. Chances are they feel crap about it too. Take responsibility for your own relationships and life. No one else will.

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