The Rim of a Black Hole

I feel low. Like I’m about to nose dive of a cliff low.

I’m borderline redundant, funds are low, I haven’t seen some ‘close’ family in over a month and I have no idea what to do next.

I’m stuck because of my work situation. I can’t get another job because officially I’m still in a contract. I understand why this has occured and I’ve tried to stay positive through out it all but the fact of the matter is I’m clinging on to the rim of a black hole. Its not personal, it’s business. In contrast, I don’t even know if getting a part time job is going to be worth it. I don’t want to have to start again from the bottom just because I made the life choice to have a child. I don’t want to earn minimum wage just to pay out the most of it for the child care I would need. What’s the freaking point? They want to get mum’s back working, why make it so bloody hard to do so? Where to go from here?

I’m so torn between writing about other issues. I really want to. It’s my therapy. On the flip side I know it will hurt and possibly alienate certain people further. So what’s a woman to do? I’ve already said my piece once this year and aired concerns. Apparently honesty is sometimes a little bit unappreciated. So silence will win, because how many times should you go ignored?

Gratitude, because I’m clinging so fiercely to positivity that I have to write this. Always remind yourself of the good, because when you stop seeing the good thats when it really goes wrong.

I’m so appreciative for the life I have ended up with. Ten years ago I seriously thought I’d be a crazy cat lady, living alone. The people who have stayed; you’re amazing. I don’t always make it easy for you to be in my life and I will always appreciate you being here. I am thankful for my little one, she’s as sassy and as happy as a baby could possibly be. I am full of gratitude for Man – he needs no explanation other than he’s got my back.

So where now? I guess I will figure it out. Today was a bad day, but tomorrow, well that’s a new one. It’s a shiny new start.

Xox, L.

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