In Hiding

I hid from the world today.

Anti-social side came out and I actually avoided going out doors. Uncharacteristic at the moment as I go out every day. I am, for sure, on a down day.

I’ve changed up my workouts which was an undoutable win. I was shuffling about on YouTube and found some amazing yoga and HITT workouts that made me sparkle (I don’t sweat, I sparkle). I’ll be picking this up again tomorrow as I really enjoyed it.

However, yoga sequences are kinda difficult when you’ve a child climbing on you. Having to watch a Yoga tutorial from downward facing dog with your media player up high so the baby can’t grab, then having to fend her off when your doing a warrior pose – believe me it’s a workout within a workout. I’m aching regardless, means it’s working though right!

Strange fact of the day, turmeric in porridge (almond Milk, not cow’s) mixed with a little cinnamon and soya yogurt actually tastes half decent. I’m not talking tons of the stuff, just a 1/4 teaspoon in 1/2 cup of oats. Pretty good, and yellow as aposed to any form of pink or purple porridge makes a refreshing change. Turmeric is a fab antioxidant and has anti-inflammatory properties too, so great to add in to your diet. Who doesn’t love an antioxidant.

I’m going to work on my mood, I really don’t relish the thought of being down.

Xoxo, L

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Success!

This morning was a boost. Those who know man and I, know our daughters namesake is the song ‘hey there Delilah’ by The Plain White T’s. I always hash tag #heytheredelilah on photos of her and today ThePlain White T’s commented and followed me on insta!! I’m so freaking happy. So much love

Meeting success!

I managed to get in all my questions and queries asked. It did help that the lady I met with was a true pro. A woman after my own heart. Organised, taking notes, friendly, listened and spoke (it’s normally one or the other). She was lovely. It was a pleasure to meet with someone so professional. I even managed to get into my work trousers (pre-preggers trousers) for my meeting. I felt great.

Man took an impromptu couple of days off, which worked out great too as he could take care of Dela when I was at my meeting. Dela had a few hours with daddy, visiting her great grandparents on his side of the family.

It’s the first time man has been alone with baby sincd September last year, and she was about 6 weeks old when that happened and as you can imagine she has developed since. So now 9 months (ish) old and first daddy daughter day. I packed her snacks and milk, knowing they’d be out over snack time and most likely over lunch because there is no regard for time and daddy is on his own watch (and only his watch).

I could lie and tell you I wasn’t nervous, but the fact of the matter was I was shitting bricks. Not because Dela would be alone with daddy, but because great grandparents like to feed great grandchildren shit, because they can be very ‘in face’ (I know because my grandparents are very much like this), because I have no control over what happens when my daughter is not in my care.

Relinquishing control is hard. I am a self confessed control freak. Despite my laid back appearance (and approach with certain things) I am 100% in control. I don’t like to rely on anyone else, and if I want something done I would rather do it myself than ask someone else. This could be seen as independence, which is something I’ve always been proud of and I suppose in a way I’m proud to be a control freak too.

I’m going to work on taking away any negative connotations of the term ‘control freak’ in my mind. That’s my goal for the rest of this week.

Being in control is nothing to frown at especially when we’re talking about your own children, your own life and the situations that you can control. I’m not (I can already hear your cogs turning) saying for one second you can control everything, but for the things you can – I say, steer away!

I digress.

After my meeting, I hot tailed it home to take the dog on a walk. He walked amazingly well for a change, and so did I. I found myself strutting. Dela enjoyed her morning with daddy. She didn’t starve, she wasn’t fed anything sugary and she was okay and full of big smiles when she came home for me.

Made a super healthy version of beef nachos using a wholemeal tortilla baked as my nacho chips. So good. Squeezed in making some healthy snacks, no bake peanut butter bars and oat and date energy balls. HEALTHY! Dela loves the energy balls too and they are literally 3 ingredients and too easy not to make.

It was a good day. In fact I would go as far as to say it was an awesome day.

Xoxo, L.

A Whole Lot Better

Feeling a whole lot better today. Well this afternoon at least. Strangely when the clouds came over and we had a dash of rain, that’s when my mood lifted. Delilah was a moody mare all afternoon, so when she fell asleep on my chest my heart melted and I was back to myself again.

We spent a morning at the park with my mum, Em’s, my godmother and my oldest friend’s son. It was great to see them after so long, they’re over from Canada. The kids played in the park while the adults chased after them. Lunch was nice, the cafe there does really lovely salads. Sticking healthy still, and winning at it. Although mum posted a picture on facebook of me pushing Delilah on a swing and I look like a whale. It was such a bad angle. Please get my good side in future mother! I felt I was doing so well until that picture.

Got a load of washing done, and cleared the kitchen clutter. Metaphorically speaking I guess I cleared some mind clutter too.

My plight with the healthy didn’t stop at a lunch time salad either, Man ordered in. A huge pizza and a milkshake too. I resisted and made a tuna pasta bake for one. Which was made with wholemeal pasta, veg, tuna and all in a simple tomato sauce. It was super filling and tasty. I’ll be making that again. Demon dog licking his doggy lips in the background of my dinner snap.

For now I bid thee good day and farewell till the morrow.

Xoxo, L.

Just a Moment

I took a moment to not write last night. I’ve been drowning in everything. House work, no break from taking care of every one else, feeling inadequate and uncomfortable in the body I have at the moment and just not having time to just breath purely for myself.

I am proud and pleased to say I put everyone before me, but I just needed a moment. A simple, selfish moment when I’m only me. When I’m not mummy or fiancee or daughter or granddaughter or housekeeper or menagerie owner. A silent moment of nothingness. The thing about being an introvert is that I crave a little down time. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my tribe. I love them a million times over and more, and I would do anything for them.

I keep thinking I’ll try get back to running maybe 3 times a week. Get up earlier and just get out and alone for just 30 mins for a run maybe with Demon dog, although he makes running so very difficult. Might start fulfilling my needs as an introvert. It might improve my fuse, because currently the smallest thing sets me off.

It’s certainly worth a shot.

On the upside, this weather is glorious! We’re enjoying it completely, and tomorrow Delilah gets to meet my godmother for the first time and we are very much looking forward to seeing them. We intend to get together at the park, the one with a decent cafe. It means that Ems and Dela and N (my oldests friends son/my godmother’s grandson) can have a play in the sun and we can have a coffee and a chat.

Yesterday Dela and I went to play at Nana’s while the lads were at Airsoft. Dela likes her splashing bowl, and stole my icelolly. Fun was had by all.

I hope you are enjoying the the, And taking care of yourselves. We all need to do that, and I need to practice what I preach.

Xoxo, L.

The Start of Something

I’ve decided to start a bullet journal.

May is looming and I thought it would be nice to document life in full colour and style. I finally found a dotted note book at paperchase. It’s not an overly girly cover which I love and had plenty of pages for customising.

I’ve made a start on my first page. I feel like I’m a bit late to the game, but I make the rules here so May is a good time to start. I intend to have a full year calendar, a key and a few tracker pages.

I’m a little rusty on all things creative, but apart from an occasional picture on here, I don’t intend to share my doodles to often. It seems to be a better way to take up time that watching the general crap they put on TV at evening and weekends. I may even put in a blog post planner too. I know I am eager to see where this goes. Let my creativity roam and take some form on paper rather than a mulch of colour in my head. Who knows it might end up being good therapy.

Do you journal or bullet journal?

Xoxo, L.

Dealing With Limbo… Still

I’m still in limbo. Issues are still floating around and it’s driving me more mental that I already am.

I’m holding together each of my seams while juggling normal family life. I’m scared of a break down. Racing thoughts are being muffled and my chest feels like my heart is going to rip itself out.

This feeling is bleak.

Maybe the bitch will bite, because the sweet quiet girl isn’t getting results. Maybe it’s time to let the bitch out. The bitch gets results.

The anxiousness is making my chest heavy. I’m concentrating on more than one thing at once, so this post will probably make no sense.

I’m tired of not having what I want all the time. I see everyone around me building a life, and I can’t help but be envious of old school friends that have a huge perfectly new house or a fancy Merc. They go on all the luxury holidays, get married we’re talking like £20k weddings. And we’re struggling to continue saving for a house because I’m going through redundancy after being on maternity leave. And every time I get somewhere in my career, I’m knocked straight back on my arse. I can’t help but think “why me?” And “what the fuck did I do?”. I’m thankful for what I have, immensely so and I’d never change man, or baby but what the hell is wrong with wanting it all?

My heads a mess again tonight. I don’t like losing control, and the bitch make a me do that.

In other news; Delilah crawled forwards today rather than backwards. That’s a huge win for my little miss.

Back to the mental mess, I’ll figure it out I’m sure.

Xoxo, L

One Rule For Having A Good Day

Through the hard days, like most people who deal with a mental illness, I loose my motivation. The smallest tasks see like a monumental effort.

The older I get and the wiser I become to my own mentality I’ve noticed that if I can completely the most simple task I have a better day.

MAKE YOUR BED.

It is as simple as that. Always make your bed. Straighten out your sheet, your duvet and fluff up them pillows.

The first task of the day. Do it like you want to even if you don’t. Take pride in making it look good. Tick it off your list and I promise you that you will feel more productive. It will start your day in the right way. You will feel good for accomplishing one of your daily tasks.

If it’s all down hill from there and it’s still a bad day (which it can be) you have a nicely made bed to get into. Regardless of the day, getting into a made bed is pretty damn good. It’s next to clean sheets and fluffy towels.

It wouls ve great to know how you get on. Leave me a comment on how you make a bad day good. Happy bed making.

Xoxo, L.