Through The Fog

After last night’s head clear out, I’m thinking differently again.

We all have issues. And I’m struggling with how to sort this one out. The key hasn’t been softly softly, so kicking it up a notch could be worth a shot. I’m finding it hard to know which part of the puzzle I am. To my story I am the central peice. To their story I’m not sure where I fit, which is why this issue is taking so freaking long to sort out.

With last night’s post (brain vomit) all over the blog, today has been a bit of a haze. Delilah and I went for a walk, had a clean up as I talked to myself. I babbled on about my issue; meticulously planning out different scenarios and what I would say to each. I’ve had that conversation so many times now that if it doesn’t happen in reality I might actually self combust!

Now I’m sat here thinking about spontaneously setting alight, or just imploading. Yes, that’s how my mind works.

Delilah has decided today that the only thing worth crawling for is a dog toy or a plug wire. The days of sitting her in the centre of her toys and nipping out the room to throw some washing in, or empty the dishwasher are just about to be over. I am glad she’s on the move. My sweet girl was getting frustrated just sat there some of the time and ended up being a right wingey thing. She likes to pull herself up too, so lowering the cot is a must this weekend before she decides to escape. As you can see from the pictures little miss D is very happy to have her doggy’s toy.

Onwards and upwards right?!

Xoxo, L

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Dealing With Limbo… Still

I’m still in limbo. Issues are still floating around and it’s driving me more mental that I already am.

I’m holding together each of my seams while juggling normal family life. I’m scared of a break down. Racing thoughts are being muffled and my chest feels like my heart is going to rip itself out.

This feeling is bleak.

Maybe the bitch will bite, because the sweet quiet girl isn’t getting results. Maybe it’s time to let the bitch out. The bitch gets results.

The anxiousness is making my chest heavy. I’m concentrating on more than one thing at once, so this post will probably make no sense.

I’m tired of not having what I want all the time. I see everyone around me building a life, and I can’t help but be envious of old school friends that have a huge perfectly new house or a fancy Merc. They go on all the luxury holidays, get married we’re talking like £20k weddings. And we’re struggling to continue saving for a house because I’m going through redundancy after being on maternity leave. And every time I get somewhere in my career, I’m knocked straight back on my arse. I can’t help but think “why me?” And “what the fuck did I do?”. I’m thankful for what I have, immensely so and I’d never change man, or baby but what the hell is wrong with wanting it all?

My heads a mess again tonight. I don’t like losing control, and the bitch make a me do that.

In other news; Delilah crawled forwards today rather than backwards. That’s a huge win for my little miss.

Back to the mental mess, I’ll figure it out I’m sure.

Xoxo, L

My Up Coming Project

I’m working on an article for my blog. It will be highlighting a few of the actual issues we’ve been having as residents.

Wyke has a lovely community, but it is being plagued by gang cultured teens. The type that think it’s okay to terroris everyone they come across. I’m collecting some stories from locals, and getting a real insight of what’s going on. All we want is for the village to be a safe place again.

I’ve spoken to some amazing people, and they have been sharing there chill worthy tales. They are crazy bad. Worse than causing mischief and being a general nuisance. I think this is on an epidemic scale, not just in our village but across the UK.

On a lighter note; day 2 of being healthy has gone perfectly. Healthy food choices again and a couple of workouts. Today I chose an upper body circuit and a boxing workout.

Lunch was poached egg with avocado on toast and dinner was stir fry veg with chicken. And of course little miss Delilah stole my glasses during workout while snotting all over the place (She found a bug somewhere and the dear little love bug is not well).

I’m glad I’m working on a project, and I’m hoping to get the village some attention. I’m hoping authorities will start to pick up these gang kids and do something with them. We just want a safe place for our children to grow up in. And I also want to fit in to my beautiful yellow dress. I’m working on both things.

Xoxo, L.

Day 1 Of Motivating My Own A*se

It is about time I got my backside in gear and got rid of the excess baby weight. Today was day 1 of changing my mindset and hopefully in turn my life style.

I got in a ten minute yoga sequence from Pinterest. I enjoy yoga, but my flexibility isn’t what it used to be. I’ll try keep this up to get my flex back. Maybe mix it up with a different sequence each morning. It’s rather inspiring to find a different workout every so often.

My second workout was through a website/ app I’ve been following. It’s recently come to the UK and I’ve been lucky enough to trial it and be a Motivating Mum. Basically I help promote, by sharing features of the app and the meals I’ve been cooking and workouts I use. This has been great, and I genuinely adore the app and the Facebook community is great, always supporting you. Since January I’ve had a fair few up and downs, so even though I’ve been using the recipes I’ve been inconsistent with my workouts and eating processed food in between, chocolate, cake and all the wrong stuff. So in the process of all this, I’ve lost weight but not as much as I could have.

I digress.

The healthy Mummy App is so good as is their website. There are many options for workouts, but today I did a 30 min legs cicuit workout and after the high jumps and jumping squats my legs were like ‘whoa, didn’t know we could do that’. Then came walking down the stairs. Who knew a home workout could give you jelly legs. I considered going down the stairs on my bum at one point, but struggled through.

Food has been good. No treats, all ‘clean’ food and plenty of water. So day 1 has gone pretty well. Even managed to use up leftover beef for the stir fry tonight along with a ton of veg nearing it’s best. Even made some energy balls which consist of 3 ingredients and are pretty tasty and satisfying for that sweet tooth.

Hoping my will power can do day 2 justice also. I so want to get back in to my yellow dress for Delilah’s first birthday in August.

Happy Monday.

Xoxo, L.

A Hebden Bridge Vibe Sunday

A Sunday like this Sunday in our household means a rare day together as a family. Man works constantly, so it’s great to catch a complete day together.

Today was a lazy start, lingering between the covers while Delilah dribbled and sneezed all over us. She giggled as she did it. And yes, she has a cold – again. I don’t know anyone with a cold at the moment, so god only knows where she’s caught that from.

We decided to take a walk round Hebden Bridge. It’s about a 40 min drive from us. It’s quirky attributes and pleasant vistas are perfect to ramble around. The canal is continual in both directions so you can walk a fair distance.

We got there and we found a little street food market. Rob found Indian street food straight away, the smell was amazing. He bought onion bhajis. We took a gander at some other stalls before we were drawn to a sticky toffee pudding one. Ginger hug, sticky toffee pudding bought, we walked over to the park for a coffee and for some lunch for Delilah.

We walked on the canal bank for a while till we were out of the little town and ran out of pram friendly path by the canal. We looped back via the main road towards where we parked, dodged the roadworks and plenty of people. It’s such a busy little place. One of memories for me. Not necessarily good ones, but memories all the same (this my dears, is another story for another time). Once we had a sleepy Delilah fastened in her seat, man decided we’d drive back via Denholme. Over the tops, on actual driving roads. The type with curves and hills for miles. The good roads that when you know them you feel at ease driving them fast.

He dropped into Keelham farm on the way home and got a piece of beef for dinner and obligatory custard for his pudding – he’s a complete custard fiend. When I was cooking dinner, I noticed I have little sprouts in most of my herb teacups!

How exciting, I’m actually growing something. This may be trivial for anyone else, but for me it’s a triumph! I normally kill any plant, I mean don’t get me wrong there is time yet to murder the innocent seedlings. BUT I will take some comfort in the fact my little seeds are now seedlings.

Anyway, back to tea – I miss calculated how long the beef would take to cook. Now I like my beef on the rare side, but initially our roast was raw. Not so sure it would have passed for cooked at all. So everything was ready apart from the beef. My bad.

After dinner man wanted his sticky toffee pudding, it had a “ginger hug” to it. It was divine. Found the guy who makes them on Facebook. You can check out his page here. So worth trying one of his puds. It was down right delish. Not too sweet, not too gingery and perfectly saucy. The sponge was light and not over facing. Recommended for sure. Even asked about possibly doing wedding puds, think it would be a lovely nod to man’s late mum who’s fave pud was sticky toffee. I never got to meet her, but I just know she would have loved this dessert.

That was however the final naughty. Time to get my butt in gear and get some level of fitness back, and I ain’t talking about ‘fitting-this-whole-piece-of-cake’ kind of fitness. Goals for the week:

1. Drink at least 3 ltrs of water per day.

2. Get a Yoga routine and a workout in pre breakfast. Also hit step count for the day.

3. Eat healthy lower calorie meals and 3 low cal healthy snacks.

Should be simple enough. We will see.

Happy weekend.

Xoxo, L.

When You’re Trying to Move Forward…

The picture is of my daughter. Her socks all skewed as she’s working out how to crawl and my mum’s dog Izzy pinning her leg down.

I wonder if it’s always the case; do we always have something holding us back? Maybe only in a small way, but do we have some anchor or something other holding us in place?

Should we work on severing the tie that holds us in our current situation? Or alternatively, should we be respectful of ties and treat them as bridges?

What’s your take? Do you burn the bridge? Or do you add in an extension to get where you want to be?

Delilah kicked and kicked until Izzy let her leg free. Although she’s not quiet moving forwards yet, she is always learning.

Food for thought I think. Maybe it all depends on the situation.

Xoxo, L.

Why I Handle Things The Way I Do.

There’s certain things in our life that mould us. Situations that make us react in certain ways and influences everything that happens in our lives. This can be good, bad or indifferent.

I remember in the first year of sixth form I was taking psychology as one of my classes. It was an outside tutor that appeared once weekly to talk about his self and every achievement he had ever accomplished. Class A bell-end. A conceited, haughty, selfimportant twit decided it was his job to preach his life freaking story once a week to a bunch of teens who wanted a psychology A-level.

Despite the douche-bag’s demeanour, psychology was an interesting subject and one that has kept my interest for all these years. I’d complete the reading and homework each week. I’d enjoy the classes; well the content at least, but never the teacher. He wasn’t relaxed enough to have a good report with any of his students and I’m pretty damn sure the rest of my class felt the same way.

We were almost a full year into the course and exam preparation had started. I remember the classroom. We sat in a room in the sixth form building. It was a class of about 15ish students. There was a whiteboard with a projector pointing at it where we would see the pompous bastard’s weekly slides. We’d answer questions in class while discussing the topic of the week. One word answers required or at least simple arguments for or against what ever a study had shown. Each of us took notes, but the class discussions were mainly opinion based.

One particular week the class had been set the task to complete a practice test paper. The test paper was comprised of essay style questions. Long answers. Write in paragraphs, opinions backed up with studies. We had never, in class prepared for this, or been told about it. Each of us tried the best we could and handed it in the following week.

The week after hand in, I wasn’t in class. In was away, at home sick. After he had marked the classes first attempt at the practice papers, there was a mass failing in the air. Every single member of the class did crap. I’m talking no one got higher than a D. Now, as I’ve already mentioned I was away from that class. This, unfortunately for the toolbox teach, was the week he decided to make an example of my work.

He slated my paper for a full 30 mins of a 45 min class. He trash talked me in front of my peers. In front of friends. In front of everyone else who had done equally as badly as I had.

BIG MISTAKE CHUFFER!

If there was one thing I loved about sixth form, it was the solidarity between students. Despite the clique you belonged to, your social background, whether you got on in high school or hated each other; sixth form happened and against the teachers, the students stood united – no matter what. They told me everything that verbally vomiting, micro organism had said about me and my paper.

I’ve always been good with words on paper (apparently not so much in a psychology practise paper – lol). So naturally I put pen to paper. I wrote a letter and addressed it not only to him but to our head of year. This caused some chaos. He probably regretted using me as a target for the class. Using my work as his shooting range in his highly unapologetical rant at how shit the class he had taught was.

A few point I stated in my letter:

1. Is it fair to make someone who isn’t in the room a victim of your slating in front of their peers?

2. Is it fair to say that speaking about your own life, and how amazing you were to over come the obstacles you have faced has mainly nothing to do with Freud, other psychologists or theories they have presented?

3. If the entire class failed miserably on a practice paper, isn’t this a reflection on the teacher rather than the class?

We were pulled into a meeting to discuss and I let him have it, both bullets in front of the head of sixth form. He apologised (but not publicly) for humiliating me in front on my peers. He offered to re-teach the last year to me in a one-on-one situation to which I replied “I wouldn’t waste my time”. His egotistical nature had him deluded him into thinking he could teach in the first place. I wasn’t going to fall for that one.

I gave my official notice and never attended his class again. At the end of that same term, he was moved on. Now I’m not saying that was my doing. I’m only saying I hope I had a little helping hand in having them realise the man was full of BS.

This incident still holds some resonance with me. I’m still that sassy girl. Quiet, understated and when cornered – a full on queen bitch. And yes, I am proud of that. Sometimes arrogance needs a mirror holding up to its ugly face…. sometimes you have to smash the mirror over that ugly face.

Till this day, I will take so much agro from someone before reacting. I’m okay with that. It builds up, and builds up until I flip the switch and make sure the agro stops. I might be wrong in how I deal with certain situations but it’s the only way I know how.

How would you deal with this situation? What do you do when you’ve had enough of the BS?

(Some of the sixth form girls, I’m in the red, looking giggly as we had just photo bombed this pic. Each beautiful woman in this picture will always be welcome with me)

Xoxo, L.