The Rim of a Black Hole

I feel low. Like I’m about to nose dive of a cliff low.

I’m borderline redundant, funds are low, I haven’t seen some ‘close’ family in over a month and I have no idea what to do next.

I’m stuck because of my work situation. I can’t get another job because officially I’m still in a contract. I understand why this has occured and I’ve tried to stay positive through out it all but the fact of the matter is I’m clinging on to the rim of a black hole. Its not personal, it’s business. In contrast, I don’t even know if getting a part time job is going to be worth it. I don’t want to have to start again from the bottom just because I made the life choice to have a child. I don’t want to earn minimum wage just to pay out the most of it for the child care I would need. What’s the freaking point? They want to get mum’s back working, why make it so bloody hard to do so? Where to go from here?

I’m so torn between writing about other issues. I really want to. It’s my therapy. On the flip side I know it will hurt and possibly alienate certain people further. So what’s a woman to do? I’ve already said my piece once this year and aired concerns. Apparently honesty is sometimes a little bit unappreciated. So silence will win, because how many times should you go ignored?

Gratitude, because I’m clinging so fiercely to positivity that I have to write this. Always remind yourself of the good, because when you stop seeing the good thats when it really goes wrong.

I’m so appreciative for the life I have ended up with. Ten years ago I seriously thought I’d be a crazy cat lady, living alone. The people who have stayed; you’re amazing. I don’t always make it easy for you to be in my life and I will always appreciate you being here. I am thankful for my little one, she’s as sassy and as happy as a baby could possibly be. I am full of gratitude for Man – he needs no explanation other than he’s got my back.

So where now? I guess I will figure it out. Today was a bad day, but tomorrow, well that’s a new one. It’s a shiny new start.

Xox, L.

Plant A Seed and It Will Grow

I was twittering on about getting more into gardening. When I say more, I mean make a start on something insignificantly small. Herbs for my kitchen small. This cracking idea brewed after tidying my small back yard of some rubbish that really needs to be taken to the local tip. I had a grand stiring of ideas after watching some Monty Don on Sunday and decided to get over the fact I’ve not ever successfully grown anything on purpose.

Monday morning roles round and I’m on a mission. I tuck Delilah in her pram. The sun is shining, like really strong shining and not pretending so it’s got me all optimistic. My horlicultural mission was calling.

Now in my head walking to wilko’s was a quick effort, I mean it only takes maybe 15 – 20 mins in the car. The way to Brighouse from Wyke is pretty straight forward and the vista is a lovely one. The journey on the way there was pretty good.

Delilah and I had a pit stop so she could have a bottle. We then ventured into wilko’s to find our seeds. I picked out chives, basil, thyme, parsley and some tomatoes (just to clarify I’m not that dense, I know tomatoes aren’t herbs). I already decided not to buy pots, I’m going to be creative- but that’s tomorrow’s blog. I even picked up 20 litres of compost. At this point I’m winning, even walked up the toy aisle when Delilah was awake. She picked out a yellow tambourine and then we wrestled at the till so the man could scan it. I’ve paid for the lot, stick the compost in the pram basket and the seeds in my bag. Bless her soul, Delilah was shaking her tambourine all the way out of the shop.

Arh the journey home. No one ever talks about the trip home. Yes, this was the more challenging part of our mission. You see, it’s all up hill and with an extra 20lts of compost in tow it’s a hard fucking slog. It was so warm. The sun, the actual sun had stayed out and it was really warm so the coat came off and water stops were a must. Delilah was all good, just sat in her little boss chair being wheeled around shaking her tambourine with all that sass.

1 litre of water and two serious hills later, we made it to my mum’s house because I’d managed to invite myself to crash mum’s mate date with one of her besties. Guess what?! They had arranged to meet for a walk! After the days mission, I felt as though I was going to fall asleep before 7pm. It felt like we’d actually been on some journey to middle earth. These seeds better grow. Tomorrow they get the planting treatment.

They better grow…